Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
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Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When I can’t barge, I careen.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”