(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
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Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[La Brea Tarpits]
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me: *just sitting there all 40*