Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I have many caverns
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.