Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute