No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
ibopfufen
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities