ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’d rather go liquor treating.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
dam girl
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children