I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT