Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
this FaceApp is creepy af
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.