If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
english majors be like furthermore
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
lmfao
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger