I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
For the ones in the back.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
#math
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY