A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.