NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
So, can we agree on 4 or
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.