I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme