FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
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I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”