*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
True
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.