Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year