My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?