asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
War & Peace
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Clients after you give them your rates
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.