*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
constantly working on myself.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”