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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
The biggest mystery of our time
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”