Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting