Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no