I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*