interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION