My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.