The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.