What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
You Might Also Like
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.