Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
LOOOOOOL
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?