I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..