*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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Worth a try
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Nomnomnomnom
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this