Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You are not alone 💚
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Bill is short for Billiam
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Bloody internet 😳
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”