My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’