Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
No way!
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races