I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.