why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger