My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*