“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one