me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Who.
Did.
This?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub