Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.