I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You Might Also Like
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”