I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?