Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.