First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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Just a friendly reminder!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?