ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?