“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..