Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high