I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
plums roundup
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.