walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Weighing up my bread heating options
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.