i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
is this a warning or an offer?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Doctors texting each other.