I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Baller is short for ballerina
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?